Thanks..

Happy New Year, Folks!!! May this year bring love, life, joy, success and happiness into our lives. May this year bring knowledge, wisdom and curiosity; bring fun, friends and  memories.. and Life..

Oh, well! It was not about wishes I came to write here, right now. Its my room-mate and friend who got me a bit sentimental about this eve.. "Sou, this is possibly the last new year for us as room mates".. Oh! I guess she is right!

So this is a thanks to this sweet little girl who brought loads of happiness into my life; who was there around to laugh with me, to share my joy; to wipe my tears and to hear me out; to bear with a lot of my nonsense and to have loved me so much. Thanks a lot Peets!

Well ... Also, thanks to my dear friends -
Deepu, for the love, motivation, support, guidance and whatnot ...

Bharu, for every memory and for every fight and every joy he brings..

Sometime, I'll type down a separate post for my all loved ones, to express my gratitude... but for now (as this post is losing focus!) I stop  here:)

Love,

Good bye..

She stood there, by the window.. looking at the city, as she did when she was upset.. “It makes me feel better when I see that there are a million people around, with bigger problems, with bigger battles for their lives.. It makes me feel I can fight..”, she used to say.. Oh, she brings back so many memories...

"Alright.. I ... I better get going.. ", she got up. "... Good bye..", her voice quivered.
I dint look into her eyes and I dint take her outstretched hand.
"Okay.. Don't forget, forget me. "

I dint answer. I dint move. She stood there, in my room, in silence. A drop of tear from her eyes fell on my arm. She touched my shoulder, bent down .. but unlike her usual way, she dint kiss. She whispered, “Take care of yourself..” and picked up her bag and left. As she opened the door, I almost said “I love you too...” .

My heart felt a stab. The lump in my throat had been growing and I finally gave in. I cried.

After four years of love, relationship and everything, she had decided to move on.
Not her fault, I guess. She was independent, confident, practical, lovely and adored by everyone she met Unlike me – struggling for living, reserved, messy, emotional. She had tried her best. Four years of fighting for me, with me, care, concern, forgiving, wait... she'd given up, at the end. We had fallen apart. It's my fault. I never tried enough.

She came that day. “One last time, I wanted to be with you.. May I?” , she said when I'd opened the door. I hadn't spoken a word for all the time she was here. One hour. Not unusual for me. She hadn't spoken a word either – very unusual for her. She had just been standing by the window and I, sitting on my bed, looking at her... wondering what it would be like if I were the one getting married to her, the next day.

Everything in my house told our story. Door mat to cooking pan ; curtains to bed- she had hand picked for our future home; my clothes had the aroma of her perfume in them; the earring on my table, that had fallen when she was here last time; a hundred colours of bindis on the mirror in my bathroom stood as a proof for the time we stayed together; my set of clothes which were never mine for she was the one who always wore them; her hair-clip that I found under the cot while I was sweeping; the several bottles of vodka we had emptied, that lie stacked the corner; the thousand stick notes all over the wall, left by her, half of which say “ i love you”; the hundred odd movie DVD's we watched together....
I missed her breath on my chest when I sleep; I missed her morning kiss when I got up; her comments on my photography, her insight into her field – computer science, her strong coffee, the air of love when she was around, the happiness she imparted, the strength she gave, the little smiles she brought... I missed her..


Now, after 5 years, as she stands there, near the window, she still feels the same.. but things have changed. There were no bindis, no bottles, no movies, no more hairclips and no stick notes.

“ I am sorry, I know, I shouldn't have come.... I.. was ...” , this was what she said when I opened the door.. The eyes that shone even in dark were not there any more. There was a mask there. She had put on since I had seen her but..

She broke the silence.
“So, how are you doing?” she smiled.. oh, the beauty was still there, but just that her eyes dint smile.
“ Not bad. Doing okay. Now I freelance for a newspaper and a magazine.. Pay is good. And my work keeps me happy..”
“You found somebody for yourself?”
“I had. She married somebody else 5 years ago,” I wanted to say.. “She's out with my son for a mini shopping”, If nothing else, life had taught me to lie well. “How have you been? What are you doing here?”
“Oh, my husband had some business here. So, in town. Just wondered if you were around.. I hope you don't mind..”
“ What are you talking! Of course not!.. I.”
“I have a kid too... My little gal.. Meet her sometime. She's with my parents for next few days.”
“Sure... Alright, What will you have?” She dint answer, but I knew. Five minutes later, we resumed the talk with a double strong coffee and we spoke About her parents, kid, husband, her career, cities,politics, my family.. And she sounded happy. There was curiosity and maturity and a motherhood in her now and i could feel the difference. I was happy for her happiness..
Half an hour later, she stood up, “ I better get going...”
“Wait for some more time, you can meet my family.. stay for lunch.”, I was so sure she would leave.
“Ah, its alright.. some other time. I'll come before I leave with my kid sometime to meet your family..”
“Okay then.. visit me again, sometime” I saw her to the door.
“Me too..” She smiled.
“Good bye” I said, as she walked away. I just felt light to have met her, to have known she;s really moved on. It felt good to feel that things were fine with her... And relieved to realise that I was moving on too. I smiled at life..


And as I stood there, I dint know life had plans for me; I still dint know that it was going take me a long time to discover that she had died in few weeks after she met me; to know she died of cancer and she knew it; to find out that I was the only one she had met in her last days; to figure out her husband had divorced her only two years after marriage ; to know that just like she was, she fought and battled every pain... and it was utter pain to hear that my name was her last word... And I still dint know that I was going to repent for lifetime for a lie..

A Conversation..

She mailed :


No power..

middle of the night.. terrace.. ipod.. nice songs.. weird thoughts.. nobody around.. lonely time..

whispers from neighbour's window, crying newborn and frustrated mother downstairs, girl giggling on call standing on the corner of next terrace, whistling goorkha, drunkard on road, quarrelling couple, friends- cups of steaming coffee-stories, bunch of girls returning from late night party-gossiping and a guy checking them out, fights on call, nerdy studying in candle light, lecturer preparing for tomorrow's class, a guy eagerly waiting for his computer to come to life , carefree kids sleeping cozy in the apartment, a beggar in the need of a blanket trying to sleep, crackers in the sky, people dancing and letting their neighbour's know that India won the match, passing train and oldie cursing, uncle out on a moonlight walk with his dog, a girl jumping compound...

oh! power is back!

I replied:

No power..

middle of night.. UPS beeping(!), sounds on terrace.. humming breeze - curtains flying; a cozy blanket..a few dreams-pleasant and unpleasant; a bit of loneliness, a bit of anger, a bit of happiness, a bit of sleep and a few messages; distant mike screaming songs, neighbour's snores; creaking gate; a sound of cry; a cheerful laughter; a cat's mew;a tear dropped around... missing room-mate, a "ghost" friend - on terrace, listening to music, singing aloud; a bit of impatient wait...

then, sober sleep..

PS: She was on terrace and I, downstairs :)
PPS: The "she" and mails are no imaginations! This conversation happened!

Oh, my God!

As promised, here I am :)

Frankly speaking, I spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what to write and here are the things I discovered as I struggled to come up with something interesting:

1. I am so damn boring!! I can hardly think creative! (rather, I hardly think!!)

2. My vocabulary and grammar suck! Thanks to spell-check, you don't have to bear with my spelling mistakes!

3. When all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. - so true! when I was trying hard to come up with a post, everything around started looking like one! My chat with friends to news to exams to conversations to ..... to everything! I had to try hard to resist myself from looking stupid!

4. I use more exclamation marks than full-stops. (I'd to consciously put a "." here and I am trying to avoid a "!" here!)

5. The hardest thing for me about writing a post is giving it a suitable title! I gave some three titles to this post and frustrated, I typed " oh, my god!" :)

6. And to make things worse, my general knowledge (even knowledge for that matter) is almost non existent.( What do I write for my next post! ) So, I should probably be reading more and accumulating, understanding and applying first and then think of writing. But nevertheless, I am going to write! ( Read last post! )

7. I got to start studying for next exam!

well, this is it for now.

And no posts until I decide the title of my next post.

Finally..

Well.. thought for last two days as to what my first post (not the literal first post, but the first one on this site) should be and decided to scribble down why I am here, now..

This blog comes as a part of my resolutions for this year, though my sole resolution for the year 2010 is to follow/keep every resolution I made for the year 2009!

At the beginning of this year , I had made a list of resolutions, which primarily included blogging at least twice a month, exercising regularly, attending classes, being prepared for exams,not to be lazy etc.. etc.. Of this long list, I haven't followed a single thing! Yeah, I tried to exercise regularly, attended classes and studied well for some time ( rainy season spoiled me! The cold and the cozy feeling of lying under blanket won against my will!), but I fell out! Now, whats the whole point of making resolutions if I don't follow them? I think its time I learnt to be persistent about things and so, here i go... finally... Trying and keeping the first one :)